When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize