Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
