Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize