Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
