You don't have asthma, your pregnant
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
