Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm sobbing to NWA
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
