I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
