Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
