why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
