I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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