pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
