Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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