I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
