This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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