better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
