I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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