On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Randomize
