My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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