i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
As shirtless as possible
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
