Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
