I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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