When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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