listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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