i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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