i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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