I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
