My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Randomize
