Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
