Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
