i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize