i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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