ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
