I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
