youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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