Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Randomize
