I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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