I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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