Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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