Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
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