Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
