I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
They left me at home... I'm a liability
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Pooping to opera.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
