You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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