tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
