you would pick up someone in the library
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
