I haven't been this sober since birth.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
