It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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