If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
