The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
