Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
The ass gains better be worth it
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