please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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