This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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