sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
