So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
